Fall on your knees...

Ok. 2 posts in 2 days. Result.
For some reason been thinking about christmas a lot recently, not sure why (hah - see, told you I had a sophisticated and devleoped sense of humour!) and specifically christmas music. I'm a bit of a music geek - I love music. I love the way it can make you feel things, the way it can summon particular memories, the way it can enhance a situation - and at christmas thats something I'm particularly protective of. It may sound weird but I'm always careful with music that I love a lot or that has a particular memory or resonance with me, careful not to overplay it lest its power diminish. And christmas songs most definitively fit into that category of protected music.
So in a complete scrooge like way I will not countenance the playing of christmas music before I'm ready to start feeling christmassy (as a rule of thumb i figure when we're into double digits in december we're probably ok to start getting excited). Otherwise when christmas does get closer and its legitimate to be excited then the music is just that same old wizzard track you've been hearing non stop for the past month, instead of that exciting christmas-is-coming harbinger of joy that it should be! (Ok, maybe not the best example but still...)
So, in that light thursday was my first day of really unleashing the christmas vibe, and in my searches for suitable material, and in the course of my work of looking for a big name worship leader to try to entice to an event in Dorking (dont ask) I happened upon a Chris Tomlin Christmas album. Upon listening to the album via the genius of spotify I found on it the track "O, Holy Night" which happens to be a track i really like, with great music and great lyrics. (Not always a given for a carol - see "Ding Dong Merrily on High" and its contribution "and i-o-i-o-i-o, in heaven the bells be swungen" - a double whammy of nonsense lyrics and bad grammar!)
And I loved it. Its an awesome track, (heres the spotify link if you were lucky enough to get onboard with this amazing resource before they stopped allowing people to join for free. Apologies if not, cos that link is just teasing you now!) that I listened to a fair few times over the course of the afternoon.
I was listening to it again as I was about to leave my office to walk home while outside the snow was lightly falling as dusk decended, (a combination guaranteed to melt the coldest of hearts to a certain amount of christmassy joy,) and as I left this refrain was reverberating in my head.

"Fall on your kness, O hear the angels voices!"

And as i walked down the high street, wrapped up warmly against the biting cold and flakes of snow that were gently drifting, all I could think of was this line. Fall on your knees. Fall on your knees. And if I hadnt been so opposed to public displays of anything that might be construed as different or strange I think i would have done just that as I thought about the magnificence of christmas.
Not the lights, not the tree or the presents, or any of that, but the real christmas.
That small baby being laid in a manger because there was no room at the inn.
That small baby born in what must have been pretty difficult conditions.
That small baby, who was the Son of God himself, who had been around since the beginnging of creation. The one through whom, and for whom, all things were made. Hands that flung stars into space as Graham kendrick puts it, now unable to even feed himself.

The whole of history come down to that one point, a young women and her first baby, with her supportive husband to be standing by her side.

And the fact that that baby there in the manger was actually the king of king, the lord of lords, the one who was worthy of more praise than anyone could ever give. In as humble a setting as you could imagine. Fall on your knees indeed.
This is our King. This is our Lord, our redeemer, our saviour.

And it came to me again that what we're about here is worship. Our response to gods greatness and mercy is what matters. (And of course by worship I mean infinitely more than singing songs and playing music)

Christmas seems to be so rarely about worship for me - I get caught up in all the other stuff. The wordly stuff - food, presents, tv, decorations, holidays etc, but also the religious stuff - the church services, the carols, the proclamation of what happened, the desire to ensure that people remember Jesus as the reason for the season (urrghh, I feel guilty even writing that phrase down!) All of these things have at one stage or another kept me from remembering to really fall on my knees and worship the King.
So my prayer for me this year, and for you if you'll join me, is that this christmas, alongside all the other good things that are associated with it, will be a time of worship, of glorifying the Son of God who became one of us. Who became small weak and helpless in order to rescue us and free us.  

"Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine."

Rubbish blog...

I am a rubbish blogger. I feel like I should be good at it - I love writing, I love words, I have a lot of opinions and thoughts that I feel the world should hear, I have a well developed and sophisticated sense of humour (cough), I have a job which is flexible enough to mean that occasionally during the week I can blog without neglecting anything vital... all of which I have discovered doesnt make me a good blogger.
I dont really know what does make a good blogger - maybe I'll find out as I progress (I hope), maybe I wont. At the very least though I would actually need to blog for this to be considered useful reading, and my record of a blog every 6 months doesnt make this a need-to-check site (except for the loneliest and most disconnected of hermits!) So there you have it. One promise to try harder.

the view from my window...

Im struggling to get inspired this morning (lack of caffeine thus far could be the reason...)

I need to put together a presentation about the exciting possibilities of townwide youth projects for the Churches, and have written a plan, have plenty of ideas, and am genuinely passionate about it all. But simply cant seem to get into gear to get it all in a nice presentation this morning!

I also have a bit of tooth pain in an old root canal filling I had done when I was a child after having one of my front teeth chipped (and the nerve killed) in an accident involving a big, powerful swing door and myself at Lee Abbey.

So here I sit, looking out at the drizzle outside. Wondering if its worth going out to get a coffee. Wondering if my reliance on caffeine is really the issue here. Pondering that perhaps my reliance on caffeine (if thats what it is) really should perhaps be something I need to think about.

And thanking God for things. Like my sister-in-law and her husband having produced Jacob Andrew James Payne last night, 7lbs 10oz. Well done them, and thankyou God!

Another fascinating blog.

Commissioning, Philippians and citizenship...

Had commissioning service on sunday evening for my role as Churches Together in Dorking Youth Development Director (thats the job title on my job offer, so I'm sticking with it!) Wasn't quite sure what to expect - was kind of hesitant about it all. Despite my love of attention one of my worries was that it wasn't going to be focused enough on God, that there was going to be too much " oooh, this is Jimmy, isnt it great that he's here..." kind of thing. But I dont think this was the case. Was great to have people from many churches coming together, Jammy F did a great talk (one of those that actually seems to get even better the more you think about it!) and think it actually seemed to excite people about the whole set-up and the stuff that we trust God's got in store for us! I particularly appreciated the actual commissioning section where the "steering group" prayed for me. This might sound funny, but it really does "feel good" when large numbers of people are praying for you. (Not sure that "feel good" is the most appropriate phrase - so please understand that in the most helpful way you can think of!)

Have been reading through Philippians over the past few weeks (using Tom Wrights "New Testament... for everyone" book to help) This morning I've been struck by the challenge to live out, and be inspired by, our citizenship in Gods kingdom rather than any other. This of course throws up all kinds of really deep and intriguing questions about what citizenship in Gods kingdom looks like, before we even get to the nitty gritty of the challenge of how practically we can live that out in a society that has a whole host of conflicting motivations driving it! I have no deep insight regarding this at the moment, but hopefully as this sinks further into my conciousness I'll come back to the subject!

And finally, still cant remember where that suitcase illustration (see last post) comes from. I've skimmed through my CS Lewis and Adrian Plass books which were the most likely sources - but no joy. If anyone has any ideas I'd really appreciate it - its not important but it's gonna bug me until I find it now!

A new start?

Useful discipline, or self-indulgent exercise in futility?
Self-obsession taken to extreme, or genuinely useful way of sharing?

Whats the use of me blogging? Will I actually follow through on it this time?

Difficult questions. Not necessarily easily or (at all!) answerable. But time will tell I guess.
I'd love to be a regular blogger. I'd love to get into the habit of setting out my thoughts and ideas as they develop and appear. I've noticed recently that I have a propensity to have thoughts, and if I don't capture them in some way (share them, write them down, do something about them right away) then they float away, ephemeral in the breeze of life and events.
And that's not good.
Because sometimes these are good thoughts, sometimes dare I say it these are even Godly thoughts. And without getting into the big question of why these thoughts are even able to disappear and fade away, my inclination is that if these things are from God then these are precisely the things I should be most aware of and focused on.
So maybe, hopefully, this blog can become somewhere I set these things out.

Here are some thoughts that I need to work through:
Spiritual mentoring,
Balancing strategic thinking with actual doing,
Leadership (without authority)
Catching Gods vision

But for today I shall restrict myself to pondering memory,a nd the nature of church. (Something light to start with!)

In the back of my head is a thought about church, about how if we were all more honest with each other about our failings, about our struggles, our fears, our doubts, then church would be a lot more loving and welcoming a place. Instead we sit there and sing our songs, and raise our hands in the right places (if that's what we do in our church), and cross ourselves and bow at the appropriate times (if that's what we do in our church) - and make out that everything is good with us,that we have no problems, that we have no unanswered questions, no doubts, no worries, that everything is tickety-boo with us.
I have a vague memory of some writer (possibly Adrian Plass - I thought it was CS Lewis in "The Screwtape Letters", but the bit I thought it was, was actually a different thing...) (if that makes any sense!) writing something about a church service where we all turn up with our suitcases full of our faith. Some of them are old and battered, and some are new and clean, depending on how long we've been carrying them around with us, and every sunday we turn up in church with our suitcases, and smile at each other and pat our suitcases as if to say "yes brother, my suitcase is full thanks" and occasionally we might even make a big thing about how heavy our suitcase might be as we lug it around with us everywhere. But one sunday we all turn up, and are seated in our usual places, patting our suitcases smugly - only to be told that today we are all going to open our suitcases. and everyones face falls slightly at this, but we all pretend that its ok - and its only as we go round opening our suitcases one by one that we discover our suitcases are all empty...

Now that's how i remember the story, its a vague retelling I guess that I've written there, and maybe bits are inaccurate (are the suitcases all completely empty? what does that say about church? is it all a big front or sham?) but the key point for me is this - spiritually I'd much rather belong to a church where we all displayed our empty suitcases than one where we pretended that they were much fuller than they actually were.
There's a real power in honesty and sharing - and I wonder if this is part of what confessing our sins to one another is meant to be. Removing any possibility of getting self-righteous and proud, of not allowing ourselves to be helped when we need it most, reminding ourselves that we all come before the throne of God not in our strength at all, but by the grace of God poured out on us through Jesus, that we are not better or worse than our brothers and sisters in Christ and that we are no more, or less deserving than them of receiving the amazing gifts of God.

Probably this says more about me, and the things I struggle with, than any actual deep thing at all. I (shamefully perhaps?) gain strength and encouragement from other peoples failing. Not, I hasten to add, in a bad way (how weak does that sound?!) but in the sense that I know we are all in this together. That its ok to fail or falter, because I know I don't mind when other people do so they won't mind when I do. That I'd much rather stand alongside my fellow travellers in the journey of following Jesus Christ and support them because thats simply what we do to each other. That God doesn't mind when we fail, and would much rather we try than not. That someone like David (murderer, adulterer, general all-round playboy) could be described as a man after Gods own heart despite everything he did.
Now I say that spiritually I'd much rather belong to a church where we open our suitcases and share our weakness than one where we all pretend that we're doing fine - but if I'm honest that is the spiritually challenging side of me. In truth there's part of me that would be more comfortable in a church where we can portray what we want to, and will never be called on any of it. That's the spiritually lazy side of me I guess, and I don't think I'd be able to stand it for long without getting cynical and about church and the people in it - but that's precisely the kind of thing that leads to a destructive situation and would lead eventually to a point where I had to leave the church; either as result of having grown so cynical that my faith was shrunk and gone, or one where I recognised the danger that spiritual complacency of this sort was having on my life and chose to get out to save my spiritual life.
This tension between spiritual challenge and spiritual complacency is one that I always need to work through. (Its a bit like exercise. I know its a good thing, and I know I should do it, and once I start doing it I'll enjoy it and benefit from it, but its that first push to do something about it that's always the hardest thing to do.) When I was younger one of my regular prayers at various youth meetings was that God would move us out of our comfort zones, to my shame I haven't honestly prayed this for a long time. I want to. I chose to. I just hope the lazy-ass bit of me catches up soon!

But theres definitely part of me, and the good part at that, that craves this honesty in church. I want to be part of a fellowship where we do fail, and get up and try again, and support each other in that.
Who's up for it? And who the heck wrote that suitcase in church thing?

About average for me...

Ok. first post for 8 months. Thats about par for the course for me. I'm so lame at blogging, I'd give it up if there weren't that small part of me that REALLY enjoys writing rubbish for other people to read (or, of course, not read). I like to think if I wasn't doing youthwork I could be a top quality writer, maybe a columnist or sports reporter for a classy paper or magazine - and of course I still hold on (in the still small centre of me) to the belief that there is a cracking novel within me. I will be a published author one day. Or of course not.

To be honest I'm blogging now cos I'm not feeling motivated to do anything more constructive. Might go for a run later. Might not. Really should finish putting together a letter for the young poeple coming to Soul Survivor with us next week, but I bore myself sometimes with the admin side of youthwork. I know I should be more disciplined with myself about it, but... well, actually there's no but. Thats it, I should be more disciplined. End of story.
Doesn't make for such an entertaining blog entry though! Maybe I should make out like its this big struggle thing thats dominating my life, an epic battle, a tug of war between my desire to be a lazy sod and my calling to youthwork - yes... and then I can call my blog "Struggle" or something similarly snappy and eyecatching. Then over the course of the weeks I can log my attempts to actually do something useful in my office, all the while, ironically, not actually doing anything bccause I'm too busy blogging. yes. This sounds like a good idea. Of course its rubbish though, I just need to remember what I'm working for and not focus on what I'm actually doing. And thats the biggest danger in any kind of christian ministry I guess (although, natch, can't claim to speak with any degree of authority about any area of ministry other than youthwork, and even then the authority I speak with is rather lame - a local parish council level of authority I'd suggest if you want it contextualised!) distinguishing between what you do, and why you do it. In my situation it can be expressed more clearly in this example - I run 3 youth groups during school term-time, and we do many activities (some better planned than others!) and games. And so although it seems that the bulk of my time is spent with organising/preparing/clearing up these activities it shouldn't be my main focus. Although in my weaker moments (when I'm awake) it is often the case that my attention and thoughts are directed to these tasks...
All of which is a rather convoluted way of saying that without God at the centre of what we do in our christian lives (and I wouldnt limit it to church or christian "workers"- because I believe that this applies to all of us in our everyday lives, not those fortunate and lucky enough to be paid to do what we would want to do anyway!) we rapidly become focused on the external, worldly side of things, and miss out on what Gods doing. The practical is important - doing things properly and professionally can be, and should be, an act of worship - but as the old incident at chéz Martha, Mary and Lazarus reminds us there is a better way...

Ok. That'll do for today (and, if past form is anything to go by, probably this year!). Just enough time to fill you in on some minor info. Its my birthday in a few weeks, and I've decided that I wish to keep tropical fish. I need a hobby, and this is to be mine (if I dont get bored of it). And so I hope to receieve much fish-relate paraphenalia, so if you want to get me soemthing, you know what to do!
Similarly, my cd collection now reaches monumental proportions - top albums of the moment are the new Muse one, the legendary Johnny Cash with American V (which is a fantastically beautiful piece of work, with added poignancy as well as musical excellence) and one by a fantastic worship leader Martyn Layzell (who blogs as well) called Turn My Face. This is the first album for a few years from him, and it doesnt disapoint. He's always been a worship leader I particularly "enjoy" - partly I suspect because his songs seem to be written in good keys for me to sing, and also because he uses chords on his guitar that are simple enough for me to play. Oh and the lyrics are good and I can engage with them very easily as well. Natch. Cos its not about me. Its about God you see, and just cos I can play or sing a song doesn't make it any better than any other. Oh no. Ahem. But seriously I love the album. Buy it.

Ok. enough drivel. I will post some more about music soon. Or not. (I will also find a new literary gag that doesn't involve following every statement with "or not. etc.") (Or not.) (Sorry)

May God bless you gentle reader.
J

I'm loving this page...

Crazy random facts on the BBC website I'm loving this...
100 random facts = my kinda trivia. My favourite is probably about the japanese having a word for "a wish that there were more designer-brnad shops on a given street"!

(chokuegambo in case you're interested!)