A new start?

Useful discipline, or self-indulgent exercise in futility?
Self-obsession taken to extreme, or genuinely useful way of sharing?

Whats the use of me blogging? Will I actually follow through on it this time?

Difficult questions. Not necessarily easily or (at all!) answerable. But time will tell I guess.
I'd love to be a regular blogger. I'd love to get into the habit of setting out my thoughts and ideas as they develop and appear. I've noticed recently that I have a propensity to have thoughts, and if I don't capture them in some way (share them, write them down, do something about them right away) then they float away, ephemeral in the breeze of life and events.
And that's not good.
Because sometimes these are good thoughts, sometimes dare I say it these are even Godly thoughts. And without getting into the big question of why these thoughts are even able to disappear and fade away, my inclination is that if these things are from God then these are precisely the things I should be most aware of and focused on.
So maybe, hopefully, this blog can become somewhere I set these things out.

Here are some thoughts that I need to work through:
Spiritual mentoring,
Balancing strategic thinking with actual doing,
Leadership (without authority)
Catching Gods vision

But for today I shall restrict myself to pondering memory,a nd the nature of church. (Something light to start with!)

In the back of my head is a thought about church, about how if we were all more honest with each other about our failings, about our struggles, our fears, our doubts, then church would be a lot more loving and welcoming a place. Instead we sit there and sing our songs, and raise our hands in the right places (if that's what we do in our church), and cross ourselves and bow at the appropriate times (if that's what we do in our church) - and make out that everything is good with us,that we have no problems, that we have no unanswered questions, no doubts, no worries, that everything is tickety-boo with us.
I have a vague memory of some writer (possibly Adrian Plass - I thought it was CS Lewis in "The Screwtape Letters", but the bit I thought it was, was actually a different thing...) (if that makes any sense!) writing something about a church service where we all turn up with our suitcases full of our faith. Some of them are old and battered, and some are new and clean, depending on how long we've been carrying them around with us, and every sunday we turn up in church with our suitcases, and smile at each other and pat our suitcases as if to say "yes brother, my suitcase is full thanks" and occasionally we might even make a big thing about how heavy our suitcase might be as we lug it around with us everywhere. But one sunday we all turn up, and are seated in our usual places, patting our suitcases smugly - only to be told that today we are all going to open our suitcases. and everyones face falls slightly at this, but we all pretend that its ok - and its only as we go round opening our suitcases one by one that we discover our suitcases are all empty...

Now that's how i remember the story, its a vague retelling I guess that I've written there, and maybe bits are inaccurate (are the suitcases all completely empty? what does that say about church? is it all a big front or sham?) but the key point for me is this - spiritually I'd much rather belong to a church where we all displayed our empty suitcases than one where we pretended that they were much fuller than they actually were.
There's a real power in honesty and sharing - and I wonder if this is part of what confessing our sins to one another is meant to be. Removing any possibility of getting self-righteous and proud, of not allowing ourselves to be helped when we need it most, reminding ourselves that we all come before the throne of God not in our strength at all, but by the grace of God poured out on us through Jesus, that we are not better or worse than our brothers and sisters in Christ and that we are no more, or less deserving than them of receiving the amazing gifts of God.

Probably this says more about me, and the things I struggle with, than any actual deep thing at all. I (shamefully perhaps?) gain strength and encouragement from other peoples failing. Not, I hasten to add, in a bad way (how weak does that sound?!) but in the sense that I know we are all in this together. That its ok to fail or falter, because I know I don't mind when other people do so they won't mind when I do. That I'd much rather stand alongside my fellow travellers in the journey of following Jesus Christ and support them because thats simply what we do to each other. That God doesn't mind when we fail, and would much rather we try than not. That someone like David (murderer, adulterer, general all-round playboy) could be described as a man after Gods own heart despite everything he did.
Now I say that spiritually I'd much rather belong to a church where we open our suitcases and share our weakness than one where we all pretend that we're doing fine - but if I'm honest that is the spiritually challenging side of me. In truth there's part of me that would be more comfortable in a church where we can portray what we want to, and will never be called on any of it. That's the spiritually lazy side of me I guess, and I don't think I'd be able to stand it for long without getting cynical and about church and the people in it - but that's precisely the kind of thing that leads to a destructive situation and would lead eventually to a point where I had to leave the church; either as result of having grown so cynical that my faith was shrunk and gone, or one where I recognised the danger that spiritual complacency of this sort was having on my life and chose to get out to save my spiritual life.
This tension between spiritual challenge and spiritual complacency is one that I always need to work through. (Its a bit like exercise. I know its a good thing, and I know I should do it, and once I start doing it I'll enjoy it and benefit from it, but its that first push to do something about it that's always the hardest thing to do.) When I was younger one of my regular prayers at various youth meetings was that God would move us out of our comfort zones, to my shame I haven't honestly prayed this for a long time. I want to. I chose to. I just hope the lazy-ass bit of me catches up soon!

But theres definitely part of me, and the good part at that, that craves this honesty in church. I want to be part of a fellowship where we do fail, and get up and try again, and support each other in that.
Who's up for it? And who the heck wrote that suitcase in church thing?